Heart
by Little Creature
Summary: So I pulled up along side him and offered him a ride. He looked at me for a short moment. It wasn’t difficult to recognize me. I hadn't changed all that much. He accepted with a smile and climbed in.


Journal Entry 356

If there's one thing I could change… it's what I did to him. I wouldn't call it regret. After all, I don't regret it. I would, however, have wanted the circumstances different. It's the guilt that eats at me. Yes, I feel. It's the bad feelings in which I feel the most. And today my world came tumbling down with the look in his eyes; the ache in his heart. But before I go there, I should tell you, my journal, the whole story. I never spoke of this. I never wrote of this. I let the world think otherwise.

It had been years since the Titans disbanded. On somewhat friendly terms from what I heard. I wouldn't know. I left some time before the rest of them. I never left the area. I left the tower; that life behind. My teammates, my friends and my family.

Years later it happened.

The night was cold. Raining so hard I could barely see out my windshield. I was going slow, determined to get to my unknown destination. And then I saw him. His back was towards me, but I recognized him right away. His pitch black hair plastered to his head when it's wet. His toned body I could see through the drenched clothing.

He had no umbrella. No coat. Nothing to protect him from the storm. He walked slowly, not bothering to turn for the headlights. I idly wondered how long he had been outside. Alone in the rain.

So I pulled up along side him and offered him a ride. He looked at me for a short moment. It wasn't difficult to recognize me. I hadn't changed all that much. He accepted with a smile and he climbed in. Water dripped from him as if it were still raining over him. And perhaps it was, metaphorically speaking.

I caught him glancing at me from time to time. I didn't ask where we were going. I just drove aimlessly into the night.

"Thank you." He said quietly.

That was the first time I had heard his voice in almost five years. And my assumption was right. It was my leader. Or rather, it was my former leader. Even without his mask on he looked the same, in a more mature grown up way. He was handsome. Just as I always remembered him.

I nodded my head and kept driving. It was a while longer that we drove in silence. Until I stopped at a stop light.

I felt him shift in his seat and knew he had turned to face me. I waited with my breath held.

"We've missed you, Raven. I missed y-"

With a quick spin I turned and placed my fingertips on his lips to quiet him. Our eyes bore into each other. It was the first time ever that I had seen his eyes; his true identity. And yet, I never asked him his name.

"Don't." I said in a whisper. Slowly I pulled my hand back as I felt the tension grow like it always had when we were alone. Before I could get my hand too far from him, he grabbed my wrist gently and pulled me closer.

"I missed you." He said sternly. I could see it was just to spite me that he insisted on telling me.

I shook my head with a faint smile. But even as I did, I was moving in closer.

The light turned green and I pulled away. The car went forward. Before too long he pointed me in the general direction. We landed in a hotel parking lot.

With a curious wave I turned to him, my brow raised in question.

He answered simply. "My house is being renovated."

I nodded as he opened the door to step out. I turned from him and placed both my hands on the wheel staring straight ahead.

Before he got all the way out he spoke to me again. I could tell by his breathing he was fighting something. Too scared to find out, I sat perfectly still. I held my breath begging him silently to skip the invitation.

"Stay with me tonight." He said in a forced voice.

I turned my head in a snap. Even as I shook my head no my hand was turning the engine off.

Without another word he closed his door and went to my side. Immediately he opened it and offered his hand. And without much hesitation, I took it.

He helped to guide me out, pulling me into his arms the second I was on my feet.

"All I want to do is make love to you. Say you will. You want me too." His breath was hot on my neck.

I said nothing.

I must admit, even now, I feel the rush. Being with him sent me over. Just the thought of it…

He slammed my door shut and pulled me to the hotel room door, keeping me in front of him. It was as if he were scared I'd run away if he turned his back from me.

I could tell he was nervous as he fumbled with his keys searching for the right one. With an invisible grin, I took them from him and started with the first key in the door. I felt his breath on my neck again, his hands on my hips.

My hand fumbled once before I got the door opened and walked in to the dark room. Only the bathroom light on the far end was on. Even as I walked, his hands never left me. He kicked the door shut.

I glanced around deciding whether to turn the lights on or not.

His hands slid smoothly around me to my lower stomach as he pulled me back to him. My body flush to his, his lips kissing my neck.

I searched within myself for something to say. Anything.

Still with nothing I turned to face him. Placing my hands to his chest, I gazed into his eyes and spoke quietly. "Do you believe in fate? Love at first sight?"

His soft smile told me more than his words ever could. And for the first time, our lips met.

We made magic that night. He did everything right. He brought the woman out in me. So many times, easily.

I woke early as I always did. And in the morning as he woke, all he found was a note. I told him "I am the flower and you are the seed. We walked in the garden. We planed a tree. Don't try to find me. Please don't you dare. Just live in my memory. You'll always be there."

I didn't bother to sign my name. With one last look to him, I knew the damage was done. I left silently, not even opening the door. I walked through it and into my car. Driving off, I already knew I got what I had wanted. As an empath, I knew.

One night of love was all we knew. I don't look back on it with a whole lot of guilt. I wasn't doing anything wrong. But when I left, I knew I was. There's another side to my story. What had been happening in the weeks, months, even years prior to my being with him.

My fiancée and I had been trying to have a baby. But with both our DNA's unstable and unnatural, it was impossible for the two of us to have one together. My being part demon, he being genetically unstable. My body killed anything he put in me. Well, you understand.

I was devastated. All I wanted after I left my childhood career was a family. A real one like I never had. A baby to love and care for. To give that child everything I didn't have. Everything I couldn't have. And I knew I couldn't with him. So I left his ring on the nightstand and drove for a long time with no intention of ever returning. Harsh I know.

Even as I drove out of the driveway though, I knew I'd be back. I loved him. I still do. It's like nothing I've ever felt before. But never mind that. That doesn't excuse what I did nor does it explain.

I had considered going to a sperm bank for some completely normal, fully human, no genetic abnormalities sperm. I knew that it would be the only way for me to get a baby. The father had to be 100 normal.

But I couldn't bring myself to do it.

The next night was when I found him. And the morning after that is when my guilt started. I agreed to it wordlessly because I knew what I could get out of it. So we made love. All night long. Like we were strangers. And still I only know him by his alias.

Then it happened one day. Today. Three years later. We came around the same way in the grocery store. You can imagine his surprise when he saw his own eyes staring back at him from my little boy in the stroller.

I saw his look of shock. Horror. Confusion. And then he saw my wedding band. All of that was replaced with anguish.

He made to say something but again I moved in front of the boy blocking him from view and placed the tips of my fingers over his lips.

"Please, please understand. I'm in love with another man. And what he couldn't give me was the one little thing that you can."

He looked at me for a long while. I saw a mixture of understanding to what I was talking about but it was swallowed by uncertainty.

In my last effort to make him understand I moved to the side so my body wasn't shielding my boy any longer. My hand waved to him gesturing my meaning.

My baby sat there with large brown eyes; violet hair sticking up in a mess. Skin the same shade as the man staring back at him with a blue charka on his forehead. He was sipping on his sippy cup staring up at us both with a slight grin.

So many features suggested who his father was: his eye color; hair temperament; skin shade; determination and that grin. That damned grin that I love so much.

I felt Robin shake and swallow hard. His heart sank. Without looking at him, I felt his pain and I closed my eyes. And without a word I moved to the other side of the stroller and turned it away, heading back down the isle. My baby twisted in his seat, his sippy still in his mouth. His little head peered from the side as he waved in a toddler's fashion.

I felt my tears burning and knew I had to leave. I gave him one last glance. One in which I didn't take. I have never seen so much heartbreak on one person's face before.

Yes I love him. I will always love him. But I am not _in love_ with him. There is a difference. One in which I know too well. I am married to the man I love. The one who couldn't give me a child. No one questions my baby's biology. After all, when two supernatural humans breed, the outcome could be anything.

But if there's one thing I regret, it's putting that look of utter betrayal on his features. I never meant to hurt him. I would never do it intentionally.

_I'm so sorry, Robin. And if it means anything, you are the only one good enough to give me my child. And I am sorry you won't be a part of his life. Even if you wanted to be, I won't allow it. _

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okay so i decided to give you the whole story here. i have a sequel ready so i thought before i post that i should post this entire story. so here you are.

this is in fact my new version of a songfic. i have encorperated the lyrics into the story.

-LC


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